Archive for September 2012
Finding yourself amongst the rubble of broken promises and mistakes made on your behalf is never easy.
Today I visited the Mind Body Spirit festival where I found many psycics, buhhist, mediums, tea junkies, new age musicians, peace offerers, herbalists, organic wholesalers and lots of other things.
But one thing stood out to me the most, this card i had spent 5 minutes or so trying to pick out of a basket of cards for free.
It really made my day, and i really needed to read it
It made me realize that there is still hope for me yet.
I would love to pretend that I am fine, but I can only do for a little while, I am not fine with everything, especially not the past events in the last week or so.
I wrote a facebook status today
“Sometimes, in life you are faced with a crossroad, and you have to choose the right path. At the time you will never know what path to take, you just have to believe at the time it is the right one. You take that path and you find yourself at more crossroads… If you just have faith… you can overcome ANYTHING. No. Matter. What… even if it might have been a mistake… you cannot predict the future”
Sometimes you can find it hard to write straight from the heart, but that’s what I have been trying to do, even if I can’t just come out and say the right things to him, I just hope maybe he is feeling the genuine sadness I have about everything I have done.
I have started my own goal as to how I am going to fix everything, but I have to be an adult about things now and not a ‘stupid teenager’ who assumes that just saying sorry will fix things. Sorry doesn’t cut it. At. All…
People will know you are sorry, when you show them that you can grow the F up and act like you are genuinely sorry with your actions…
Step one. Apologise. Check
Step two. Seek professional help. – This one I am slowly doing… My doctor isn’t referring me to a ‘shrink’ per say, but a ‘therapist’ or ‘counsellor’ to help deal with the stress, depression and whatever other issues I want to address.
Step three. Re-introduce yourself… and I mean yourself… not the ‘I am hiding from my troubles’ self the “I got help, are you happy now, because I am pretty darn happy with myself at the moment’ self.
Step four. Well I haven’t made this step up yet… but I assume it has something to do with seeing how all of those three steps pan out.
I can’t say I really put much thought into any of this, but what I can say if that just like my facebook status says… You cannot predict the future, and that is the main thing to remember here.
I cannot predict the future… so throw at me your worst. I will come back from everything thrown at me.
Big pregnant woman out and about in the rain seeking professional help for issues locked in Pandora’s box.
Posted September 28, 2012on:
If you are one of my regular readers, then you already know I have been sick for quite a while, a few months, well June-July-ish to now actually (if anyone is wondering what is 3-4 months.) Today I am going to the doctors, not to sort out the sickness thing, because I have seen what he does to the incredibly sick people, and I am not too fond on having a swab attached to a metal rod jammed up my nose. But to get my referral to my shrink, yes Mr or miss professional, I will call you a shrink because it sound so much cooler than ‘Crazy Lady Helper’ ha, ha, ha…
Anyway, that should be interesting, maybe I will get given an appointment soon, maybe my doctor will talk to me himself, I am actually expecting him to just prescribe me crazy pills and send me home.
Ok before we continue… As of yet I do not actually know if I am ‘crazy’ I am merely making jokes about it to make myself feel more comfortable about the whole situation. I mean it is not every day you go to your doctor and ask “Hey I think I might be slightly insane because I have issues that go back to childhood and its gotten to the point I actually have to share my life story with someone and deal with it, help!”
I wanted to talk a bit about how I feel about my recent split with Mr right, it is a horrible series of events leading up to this part where I talk about it, a lot of tissues were discarded in the process of coming to terms with everything. I love him you know, but there comes a time in your life where you have to say “No, enough is enough, we NEED to go sort out our issues before we continue on with anything else” and this is why I am going to go seek professional help. I do have my issues, like we all do, but I have never tried to deal with mine or sort them out until now, I have always just avoided the situation entirely, changed subjects, shut myself out and said “No it’s not there I am fine.”
I hope he sorts out his issues too… I hope for our children the most. Mr Right will always be in my life no matter what, and I would not want it any other way to be honest, this isn’t one of those “Oh I hate you don’t ever speak to me again” break ups it is more like a “I’m sorry, I need to sort my shit out” break ups.
It’s raining today, ‘Big pregnant woman out and about in the rain seeking professional help for issues locked in Pandora’s box.’ Yep that will be the title of this post today, time to go get ready to unleash the crazy.
Among yesterdays choices I have decided i am going to go see a shrink… Yep thats right, lets see if i can get all my issues sorted out… Starting from primary school and working my way up through abusive relationships, and landind right here where i am now. I wonder how long it will all take to be honest. Would defintally give me something to write about… Maybe talking about it to someone other than Jordan will be good for me. I have a fear that i will say one thing and instantly i will get stuck in a straight jacket and shiped off to a mental hospital… But i know that wont happen… Right?
Sometimes, even when you don’t really want to you have to make the decision to say goodbye. Because you know it is for the best for everyone, its not that I didn’t love him, or didn’t want to try and work things out, because I did, its because I knew he just didn’t want to be here anymore.
Just from all the things he was saying to people, and from how quickly he wanted to leave, how he said to my father he is going to go live overseas in 6 months. What i am wondering is what about his children?
He left me a note on his computer desktop, told me he would always love his children… how can you love your children if you just want to pack up, and live across the world, and not see them.
I knew he didn’t want to be here because he started reading ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss… and he didn’t listen to me when I said we don’t have the money to do the courses he wanted to do. I guess its not his fault his job network lady didn’t tell him that only one of the course’s were going to cost $500… then the other two were $600 each, not to mention they all ran at the same time.
Maybe I shouldn’t have let it bother me when he screamed ‘f u’ at me when we fought… but that really gets to me, maybe i should have just ignored it. But i couldn’t, maybe if he made me believe he really did want to get a good job to help support the family instead. I mean the courses he wanted to do would secure him a good job in the future, but he just got angry at me for trying to tell him that we just couldn’t afford it. But i think the final straw was the comment he made after it… i knew it then he had to go home and be with his family and not here, because i knew he didn’t want to be here anymore.
I could tell he didn’t want it at all, i could tell he just wanted to be able to live the life he wanted without the responsibility of children and ‘my debt’
He didn’t even say ‘I love you see you when i get home’ before he left to go sign up for the course we couldn’t afford, he didn’t even say goodbye to his son, he just left in a rage because he wanted to do what ever instead of thinking about his family.
I am not sure if i can do this on my own at all, but i know he probably wants nothing to do with me, if he did want anything to do with me he wouldn’t of started paying me out to my parents straight away, or complained to my friend the other day. Maybe he could have at least said some nice things about me.
I look like the bad guy, and the crazy ex already now, and he is going to tell everyone he did everything for me and that i am just lazy… I admit he did a lot for me, but i also did a lot for him, sure what i did wasn’t housework all the time, but it was helping him with looking for job, doing his centerlink for him, always there to remind him about his appointments and phone calls he needed to make, getting numbers for him…
Sure i did hurt him early into the relationship… but he hurt me too, we both did out fair share of hurting each other over and over again.
I hope he truly gets his life on track, i hope he listens to his heart and not those around him telling him to go wild and crazy and lash out at everything, i hope he doesn’t make stupid decisions and dis-respect himself, I hope he can fill in his centerlink forms without me, and i hope he can get his license and continue with getting into an aged care course. I just hope he can show his son’s what a great man he can be. I also hope he doesn’t make me look to bad to his family…
i hope. i hope. i hope…
Today was the hardest day of my life, and I had to make the biggest decision, but I think I am ok… He was not planning on staying anyway, the signs were there, the book he was reading, the way he spoke to me when he was upset. I may look like to bad guy to everyone, but no one is… Time to concentrate on growing this baby. Sorry, Until we meet again, love you…
So one thing I learnt growing up was that you can make a meal out of anything you have in your cuboard. So I would like to share with you one of my recipies. Honey soy stirfry noodles.
All you need is 3 packets of noodles (any noodles is fine)
Mixed frozen veg
Bbq marinate sauce (masterfood preferably)
some sesame seeds
And any type of red meat or chicken you desire.
Cook veg and meat in frypan or wok, add 3 table spoons soya sause, add table spoon of bbq sauce and 2 table spoons of honey. Cook until your meat is cooked. Cook noodles seperatly, strain, add to frypan, mix well and cook further 10 mins, serve with sesame seeds. And there you go, quick and easy to make, especially if you are running low on food at home before food shopping, or have limited cash.
Opps… I seem to have gotten myself ‘Tagged’ By http://normancooper.wordpress.com/ so I guess this will make for a very interesting post today. Here are the rules.
- Each person tagged must post 11 things about themselves.
2. They must also answer the 11 questions the ‘tagger’ has set for them.
3. They must create 11 more questions to ask bloggers they have decided to tag.
4. They must then choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers and tag them in their post.
5. These lucky bloggers must then be told.
6. There are no tag backs.
So I guess I will start with the 11 things about myself.
1) I am a mum (so I have mentioned in nearly every one of my posts)
2) I love coffee
3) In 4 years I plan on going to New York with my Mum and my Aunt Michelle (she isn’t my real Aunt but I think of her as one)
4) I love to draw, and I am not too bad at it too
5) I was chosen for this even though I have over 400 followers
6) I suffer from depression; have done for 5+ years now.
7) Oh lucky number 7 you will be the death of me
8) I love to bake, I never really find the time to stand in the kitchen and bake these days… I feel more like a whale most days
9) I am sort of a dork
10) Not many people like me… Maybe because I am too up front about things and people nearly always can tell when I either don’t like them or don’t like something that they have done… But I will always be nice to them.
11) I always give people more chances than they deserve and never hold a grudge.
Questions http://normancooper.wordpress.com want me to answer.
- 2. 1) If you could choose to live anywhere in the world, and work was guaranteed, where would it be? Right where I am in sunny Adelaide is fine with me
- 3. 2) What is you fondest childhood memory? All my childhood memories are not present with me at the moment and thinking of one right now would just make my head ache worse.
- 4. 3) Does it bother you when people “dog-ear” the corners of their book pages? What about writing and highlighting in a book? No, because sometimes if you are borrowing the book from a library you can see that they didn’t get very far into it. And also no for the writing and highlighting, sometimes people highlight some pretty neat point and write some decent notes.
- 5. 4) Kindle/Nook or traditionalist? All three I would say, because I don’t have a huge book case so a virtual one can always be handy J
- 6. 5) If national elections had celebrity judges and a telephone hotline, would people be more apt to get involved in government? In Australia you have to vote otherwise you will get fine. So we have no choice… I think it works better that way because then it is a whole country deciding… not the minority that actually care. Always get involved people! Otherwise you might regret it.
- 7. 6) What’s your favourite movie/TV show? Breaking bad is pretty ok at the moment, but really my favourites are Glee, The Doctors, Dr Oz, Dr Phil and well that’s pretty much all because I don’t really watch TV.
- 8. 7) What were you doing on August 21, 1987? Not even fertilized yet.
- 9. 8) Dude, do you have the answers to yesterday’s Algebra homework? Maybe, what’s in it for me?
- 10. 9) Glass half-full or half-empty? It is half full
10) What’s your least favourite colour? Sludge green
- 11. 11) If you were born on February 29, when would you celebrate your birthday? I would have a 2 day birthday bash on other years and just one day for the leap year
Here are the questions I would like my Nominees to answer
1) Have you ever copied anyone just because you thought you could do it better?
2) Have you ever stolen an item of clothing from someone close to you, and then worn it around them and pretended it has always been yours?
3) What are your favourite animals?
4) Do you like children?
5) What were you doing in the year 1993?
6) What is your favourite take-away?
7) Are you a vegan or vegitarian?
8) Do you enjoy red wine or white wine better?
10) Do you sometimes wish you were a little kid again?
11) What is your least favourite thing to do?
And now for my nominees
Thankyou everyone and Happy blogging.
http://nativemichigander.com/ and I were discussing the weather, and he took a photo of the sky so I thought I would return the favour. Plus show everyone what an interesting spring day it is today here in Adelaide Sa Australia.