Archive for November 2012
Today I went for a walk – by myself!
Shocking I know, I just walked up the road, to my local deli. It is about 400 meters from my house and I was really tired. I bought a pasty, fruit salad and a V Energy drink.
I decided I would take a few photos on the way up there, to share with you all. They are just some flowers but I miss taking photos and happen to be fairly good at it considering I am using my phone.
This is the first flower, it has lots of tiny little white bugs on it.
This was one of the few, still alive, flowers on this bush.
These tree leaves were pretty so they had to join in.
These beautys came from a huge tree filled with them
I believe these are just generic pink roses.
Last night I made a few mini pavlova’s
Setesh is cheeky – I ended up giving him the rest in the end.
Atlas is 3 weeks old tomorrow
I am one proud mamma
It’s been a while since I have written more for my novel. The break is much needed – but it wasn’t intentional.
I’ve only had my laptop 11 months now, and about 4 months ago, my toddler destroyed it – he pulled off majority of the keys, somehow deactivated the little touchy mouse pad thing and about a week later the charging doc stoped working.
Now ofcourse I backed up my work – I’ve printed out the chapters and there should be a copy on dads computer, and a USB somewhere.
What bothers me about the situation us not having a computer in general – I would like to get a new laptop, but splurging on a new laptop would be a horrible stab to my bank account – which I can not afford at all.
I was hoping to get atleast half of my novel written by the end of the year, but now it looks like I am going to have to extend that until middle of next year – maybe.
The problem is, having no computer really sucks – if you are wondering – I write all my blog posts on my phone (which would explain the spelling and grammar errors you may come across.)
Sure – I could use my dads computer, but I cant read the screen properly, my eyes have gotten worse since I have had my glasses (6 months) – I get head aches now and my eyes hurt – so its too painful to sit and write at my dads computer with his obscene computer screen.
I would write it all on paper, but I don’t have enough and have no time to buy more at the moment.
So I guess I am thankful for this break.
Question: How do you feel with where you are at, personally with your writing?
Eg: emotions and thoughts on it.
So a few days ago wrote this http://allworldissues.com/2012/11/26/eat-pray-love/
Liz – the mail character travels in this movie. It made me want to travel even more, I remember Jordan telling me one of his friends is over in Cambodia teaching English. So I googled it and found this website
That’s an idea…
“But, a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day, it’s called Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house its remains.
When the barbarian came in, they trashed it along with everything else. The great Augustus, Romes first true great empiror, how can he even imagine that, Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day will be in ruins.
It’s one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up and around it over centuries; feels like a precious wound, like a heart break you won’t let go off, as it hurt too good.
We all wanted things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because we are afraid of change, things crumbling to ruins.
Then I looked around this place, at the chaos it’s endured, the way it’s been adapted, burned, pillaged and found the way itself to build up again. And I was reassured maybe my life has’t been so chaotic it’s just the world it is and the real trap is getting attached to any of it.
Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city, the Augusteum showed me we must always be prepared for endless ways of transformation.”
Tonight I watched the movie ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and this particular part of an email Liz wrote to her recent love affair stood out to me – ment something to me.
Not because she was telling him she couldn’t be with him, but because what she said and how it makes me feel.
Something I am far to familiar with is being scared of change – usually it was I that was scared of change, but now its just everyone around me is scared about my life changing from what it is right now.
Why? It’s a question I ask myself all the time – because honestly it feels like people around me rely on me to be there, to make them feel needed, loved and important. If this were to change their would might feel like its in ruins – but why are they afraid?
At the end of the day I’m just there, in the background, with an opinion on everything, with an extra unwanted comment to make, another mouth to feed, another couple hundred dollars to add to all the bills – for what? So people can feel needed – truth is I did need them, I did need help – but I’m always going to need help, but I need to help myself, because I am no longer a child.
You can’t always get what you want they say, this applies to not getting that toy you asked your mother for last christmas, or that girl who doesn’t want to date you anymore because she likes another boy – you may want it, you feel you need it, your life doesn’t feel completed without it and you feel as if its in ruins…
But really that’s just you not accepting that although you are in control of your life, there are somethings that are out if your hands, not your choice and that at the end of the day, doesn’t effect you as much as you think it does at the time.
What would happen if you just packed a bag full of things and left your life behind today, if you left your parents, if you left your lover or if you just left your housemate?
You could be anywhere in the world and back home life would go on as normal, sure for a little bit they might be angry and confused.
They might try and get you to come back or they tried to get you to stay. It’s not their choice to make in the first place, doesn’t stop them from believing that their wants come before your needs and happiness.
A bit of my advice for everyone.
Appreciate what you already have.
Want for others happieness, not rely on them for your own happieness.
Accept what you cannot control.
Accept the only thing you have control over is yourself.
Being the dictator won’t make you happy, and it won’t make others happy with you. Filter your thoughts about yourself and others.
Don’t brag about yourself too much – sometimes we all need a huge slice of humble pie.
Always remember, if you are unhappy with your life, where you live and who you surround yourself with, you have the power to change it and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.
Listen to others opinions but don’t let it sway your decision – you might end up regretting not doing what you want.
Money isnt really a big deal – its just paper that proves nothing, you prove your wealth through how you treat others, not by how much more you have than others. Want for nothing but good health for you and your family.
Life is way to short to be stressing over things like housework and bills, bills can be paid, housework can be done, when you leave this world it will still be there when you leave and the world will keep spinning.
Just do what you want in your life, because your happieness is all that matters and shouldn’t be sacrificed to satisfy the wants of others
Babies, babies, babies
When one crys the other starts – like dominos and their chain reactions. When one nappy is changed its the next.ones turn, when one baby is eating suddenly the other wants to eat too.
But – there is an upside! I am breast feeding this baby (i didn’t last long with Setesh) and feeding on demand at that – for anyone who doesn’t know what demand feeding is, it is when you feed them when ever they want it.. so 3 in the morning the Buffett is still open for business. I’ve saved so much money, and my bills are getting paid.
I finally faced the big world and went to the mall – with the two babies… Wasn’t as hard as i thought and there was no drama. I bought 4 things
- a dress
- sunnies… With a warranty
My sunnies have a 1 year warranty on all.damages – I guess it really does pay to buy expensive designer brand sunnies – especially if you have a toddler who could very well get his hands on them.
Was a good day.
How are we all? Tomorrows Monday, I expect my facebook newsfeed to bee filled with ‘oh no not another day of the week that signals most of us have to go to work again hurry up weekend’ memes
Cannot wait for the day all websites stop becoming an image board.
With that – I will leave you with some images
My new sunnies
Setesh loves his younger brother
This baby is all smiles
2010, I was 43kg and extremely underweight. I thought I looked great and other days I thought I was fat. To be completely honest with you all – I hardly ate anything, I smoked, took drugs nearly every weekend by this point, sometimes even a few times a week. I drank more than my fair share of coffee and smoked well over enough to fuel a family of 4 smokers. I was not healthy and when I look back at old photos of me, I looked sick, anorexic almost and bones aren’t attractive.
September 2010 I fell pregnant to Setesh – This was probably the biggest turning point in my life, my partner and I were excited and shocked at the same time. Through that pregnancy, I assume my body would have freaked out because shot straight up to 83kg. Going from 43kg to 83kg – For people who use pounds that is 94.79 pounds to 182.98 – In 10 months, that was a huge jump and a massive shock to me.
I have always been thin – too thin 5 ft 2” in height and always have been 50kg or below, my mother had to buy me children’s pants once and send them interstate to me while I was living in Ballarat. I had nearly every item of clothing from primary school, and I wore them up until I started gaining weight in my pregnancy.
Come Labour Day I landed myself an emergency C-section and was placed under a general anaesthetic. I woke up in my ward – I was confused, I didn’t really know what had just happened, my child and partner were nowhere to be seen and I had a huge wound in my lower abdomen that I never wanted. 4 hours later and I met my son for the first time; the relief on my partners face that I was ok was heart-warming.
I was bed ridden for 2 days before took those first extremely hard steps and the next 3 days were some of the hardest. I could not do anything, I couldn’t even change a nappy without shaking and my partner did everything. I even had the nurses express food from me for my partner to feed our baby. I never really did realise how much has done for me.
When we took the baby home, I was in pain in more ways than one – my wound and my heart. I felt disfigured from my unwanted surgery – even though so many other women out there have gone through the exact same – I felt like the only one, and that it had left me with an ugly body – I felt fat!
You can be big and beautiful they say, and I don’t doubt that, but there is a difference between being beautiful and feeling beautiful – I did not feel beautiful, at all!
I think this lack of confidence in myself and my looks caused one of the problems I had in my relationship – when you feel ugly and disfigured, and you are with someone who you think is the most attractive man I the world, you can develop a small or large jealousy issue – depending on what type of person you are. Now I have to admit, I can get pretty jealous when it comes to Jordan, but I think it would have been at its worse the year after the C-section. Especially when we moved to his home town to live for a while, I mean what are you supposed to feel when your extremely attractive partner knows so many extremely attractive women – who mind you a lot of them stopped talking to him because they because angry at him for getting into a relationship with me.
In 2011 about 8-9 months after, I was just regaining my confidence back, losing weight a little (slowly) and coming to terms with my surgery, we found out we would be having another baby. I told my mum straight away – haha Skype’d her “guess what” and showed her the test to be exact. Everyone was excited – I was too.
One thing I thought about so much through this recent pregnancy was my weight. My stomach still looked dis-figured, I didn’t have that desirable baby bump – it looked for like a baby triangle to me. I remember a friend pointing it out, that’s when I noticed it and then of course I dwelled on it. I managed to lose 6 kgs in the pregnancy, and then slowly put it back on while baby grew.
It was a healthy pregnancy, this time afterwards; I don’t feel cheated or disfigured. I feel healthy, I may not be the happiest person, but I can accept myself most days, and I know I can change it.
It has been 11 days since Atlas was born and I have lost 9kgs, while I understand it is quite common to just drop around 10-12 kgs straight after. The sudden drop in weight has given me the confidence to keep going, keep losing weight. If not for me then I will do it for my family.
It has taken me about 3 days to actually complete this particular post. Editing things out and adding things instead. I didn’t want to delve into some things I will clear things up about one thing – My relationship with Jordan is better than ever right now.
In the time of writing this Mittens actually wrote a great post about her health – http://mittenskittens.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/yeah-i-photographed-my-lunch/
Upon finishing her post she asked the question:
“What is your favourite healthy meal or snack? Or what makes you feel really great?”
My answer is a bowl of veggies. Plain ole boring veggies
If you’re a regular reader of mine, then you are most probably up to speed with my effords to cut facebook out of my life. If not then that’s ok – its pretty straight forward, I really dislike facebook and wish I could exclude it from my life, was without it for a few months, but sadly had to return as I have family in a few different states.
I recently recieved a facebook msg from a friend (she is pregnant at the moment.) My friend wanted to let me know that she had overheard 2 girls at the hospital I recently gave birth at, saying nasty things about me and speaking about my son that I had given birth to just 6 days before – they even knew his name. After speaking to my friend a bit about it I learned who the girls actually were. It’s safe to say that these girls are pretty childish, and I have previously written about them – because they are the girls that are pretty much stalking me. They are up to date with nearly every detail and event of my life – and I do not know how. I do not write about everything that goes on in my life on here, and I had them blocked on my facebook and not just anyone could see my facebook or Jordan’s – so we are at a loss as to how these 2 girls, keep popping up in our life and know everything about us… Lucky they aren’t interested in what both of us are doing but unlucky they are overly interested in what I am doing. Even to the point that they will sit there in a public place, talk to each other, loud enough for people I possibly know, to overhear their conversation. They also created their own reason as to why my relationship had come to an abrupt end (something I haven’t shared any information on to anyone besides immediate family and extremely trustworthy people who don’t know these girls or even of them.) Now I understand that while this blog is public and I have a facebook, there is high possibility that maybe they are one of my regular readers – not that much of the content on here is extremely personal.
These particular girl have proven they are unpredictable with their behaviour and their growing obsession with me has been going on far too long (since Setesh was around 6 months old, he’s 18 months old now) that’s almost a year and a half when you think about it. A year and a half that we havent been friends, havent spoken, haven’t even seen more than walking past, head down, while they stare. When your a mother, and you are being this closely watched by other mothers who actually have no part in your life, it becomes worrying. I don’t even go to my local shopping centre anymore because the thought of possibly being watched makes me anxious. Even to the supermarket 5 mins away from my house makes me anxious because coincidently one of the girls children attend facilitys across the road from it. With technology rapidly improving, facebook heading towards major stalker Ville. With having these girls blocked, how is it that they can still closely monitor everything that goes on in my life public and personal. When is enough just enough? When can people just live without others becoming obsessed with their every move and continually talking about you?
Truth is were going in the opposite direction, it is becoming the ‘norm’ to know exactly where your friends are, who they are with and what they are doing right down the the anmount of toilet paper they use (google ipoo app for iPhone.) It has become acceptable for 6-9 year olds to have a facebook account, if you are a user of facebook you might be aware of the ‘show my location’ option. One click of a button and people can see exactly where you are… Right down to the address. Since when did it become normal to just freely people know where you live? It truly is just inviting stalkers – unlike most adults these days (i say most because it seems common sense is less common among adults these days) a 9 year old girl isn’t really going to understand that it is unsafe to freely give out that information online – but what really gets to me is why was this particular setting created?
Who in their right mind honestly thinks that their child under the age of 13 (legal age to have facebook) is mature enough to be online a social networking site, that with the click of a button, that creepy old man posing as a cute, 16 y.o, one direction band member look alike, can see exactly where you live?
Sometimes I think after all my ranting, maybe I am the only one that cares about this. I think people need to look at the bigger picture instead of just thinking about connecting with people all over the world. Who knows – rant over.
I lay there on the operating table, numb all over, face tingling, and Jordan by side. He’s making jokes and keeping myind off what was beyong the screen. “I need you to push” I hear a doctor say. “Push? This isn’t natural birth” I thought. Then I felt an unpleasant ammount of pressure on my uterus. “Push again please” I hear a second time, with that push crying instantly filled the operating theater. My baby had arrived. I looked over to see my baby and then he stoped crying “keep crying” I thought to myself. I was asking why he wasn’t crying and no one answered me. But then I herd him cry again and looked at everyone who had been happy about the surgery. He was a healthy happy boy, and so quiet aswell. After all that I realize I was stressing over nothing. I couldn’t feel any pain throughout the operation, and I must admit it was the coolest experience of my life and I would do it again in a heart beat.
One happy father coming to show mummy their little miracle. I spent the next couple of days in hospital, they were the easiest I would say. I had the help of Jordan, midwives and my parents. I had hourly to two hourly doctors visits, and my little boy was feeding well. I was discharged monday, so I have been at home 3 days now, things are interesting. It doesn’t feel like much has changed except I am couch bound almost, with the tinyest little baby to look after and a toddler who loves to pat the babies head.
Brotherly love? Or planning something evil? Last night I was kept awake for a few hours because our little man had decided he was super hungry. And of course I am the only one to feed him. I feel its amazing to be able to breast feed my child. My first I had difficultys with, but this time its smooth sailing. It’s the ‘breast’ way to feed – as the hospital says.
Atlas Cain Dunne born 9th of September 2012.
38 weeks and 6 days down… Only today is left to go.
Yes! The long wait is almost over, it will be over tomorrow in fact. Tomorrow I will be heading in to have my second son, this time I will be awake.
My last cesarean, sadly I was placed under general anesthetic at the last minute because it was an emergency. I must admit I do sort of wish they were going to put me to sleep this time aswell. I am anxious, I am scared and technically this will be my second ever surgery… And I will be awake…
Sure they place a screen up so you can’t see. They do a spinal block so you can’t feel. But they don’t have an imagination block to help rid me of all the crazy thoughts I am having – I’ve seen medical shows and I know what it looks like when someone is cut open and sewn back up… And that will be happening to me… And I’m going to be awake, AH!
Maybe I am overreacting – but I can’t help it. So I’m going to try and sleep all day so I don’t think about it.
No don’t take the title literally. Lately I have been slowly decreasing the ammount of time I spend a day watching the news – something I used to be quite fond of until recently. I used to love watching it, being fully aware of what was going on in the world, I looked forward to the weather report and the currency report… All up until recently it suddenly hit me, its not news I’m watching, its gossip and fakery – mainstream media… Where we sit on the edge of our seat waiting to see what trouble the next celebrity has gotten into.
It feels like the ammount of real news we can witness is going down day by day, as we are more consumed in vanity and gossip… And with the help of social networking sites, its easier to get inside people’s head with the idea that we should be living our lives a surtain way… Sadly many of us fall for different types of this ‘brain washing’ from what exercise we should be doing all the way to the type of people we should be, not to mention how much money we should be earning to be classified as successful.
We are even lead to believe that the less unfortunate people, people who rely on government benifits, food stamps, welfare – what ever you want to name it – are good for nothing doll bludgers who have no intentions of getting a job and just want to live off others tax money. Now I will admit I fall under the category of a ‘doll bludger’ at the moment – I can’t work I am a monther of an 18 month old and I am 38 weeks pregnant. I also believe that in order to give my children a good start in life, I should spend the next 5 years (before they head off to school) teaching them as much as I can. Others don’t share my views – therefore I am labled a ‘doll bludging lazy mother’ regardless wether I’m pregnant or not.
We have been led to believe that mothers should no longer have the right to stay home with their kids because its ‘lazy’ and they should have a stable job. The reality is kids need their mothers… Around. Yes its all good and well to have a job and work, those children do fine, but not all children cam handle the busy lifestyle of being rushed of to childcare everytime mum or dad has to go to work. So us stay home mothers… We are doing our job and in some country’s, we don’t get paid for it – I am lucky in my country I do get paid to stay home and look after my children, lucky me I guess… Except it comes with a label like most things socially unacceptable ‘doll bludger.’
There is not only that, there is the issue of the ‘latest technology’ and how everyone should have it. There is a cycle that goes on where I live and this can explain why there are so many ‘doll bludgers’ here. So you walk up to a retail place with your CV/Resume. You get told that you can only apply online… Thing is not everyone has a computer or access to one. Now nearly everyone assumes we are all up to speed with the latest technology – I mean if you don’t have a smart phone you must live in a cave right? Yeah didn’t think so… So why do we assume that everyone has internet and smart phones and big TVs etc… The majority of people who don’t have jobs that I meet, they are on welfare… And they try and try to get a job, except they either aren’t qualified or they are not up to speed with the ‘latest technology’ and miss out because for some reason, retail stores will gladly send you out the door if you try and provide them with a good old fashioned paper CV – yeah none of that retro old tree shit here… Thus ending in people who have no job and still can’t afford the latest technology to get a job.
So I flick on the tv and turn to the ‘news’ and there is 1 section about hurricane sandy – sympathy goes out to you all in the midst. 1 tiny section on a local stabbing 1 section on finance and weather and the rest of the hour long program? What we should be wearing, who’s body shape we should be obtaining, Shane Warne makeovers, Kim Kardashian sex tapes, mummy kardashians awesome ‘mumagerial’ skills, which celeb has ended up in the dog house again and the latest technology we should all own… And some puppies that were born under a house and were rescued by fireman…
So umm I may be a little out of line when I say this but – when did celebrity status and gossip, indirectly making people weight conscious and worried they don’t look enough like the celebritys and some puppies being born count as news? When?
What about science, and outaspace, and planets, and protons and neutrons, elements, minerals, black holes, natural disasters, education, etc etc… What about those important things? Instead of “hey want to know how to look like Kim Kardashian? Well loose a few pounds with this fattening diet shake that you should drink Instead of eating proper food like fruit, veg and meat, get some plastic surgery that will cost you thousands, get up to date with the latest technology, and put this dress on… And bam you will then look like her, and have the social status to match, you will then have millions of useless pieces of paper that we use as money, and be classed as successful – only then will you fit into society.”