lets start at the begining

2010, I was 43kg and extremely underweight. I thought I looked great and other days I thought I was fat. To be completely honest with you all – I hardly ate anything, I smoked, took drugs nearly every weekend by this point, sometimes even a few times a week. I drank more than my fair share of coffee and smoked well over enough to fuel a family of 4 smokers. I was not healthy and when I look back at old photos of me, I looked sick, anorexic almost and bones aren’t attractive.

before drugs
on drugs

September 2010 I fell pregnant to Setesh – This was probably the biggest turning point in my life, my partner and I were excited and shocked at the same time. Through that pregnancy, I assume my body would have freaked out because shot straight up to 83kg. Going from 43kg to 83kg – For people who use pounds that is 94.79 pounds to 182.98 – In 10 months, that was a huge jump and a massive shock to me.

I have always been thin – too thin 5 ft 2” in height and always have been 50kg or below, my mother had to buy me children’s pants once and send them interstate to me while I was living in Ballarat. I had nearly every item of clothing from primary school, and I wore them up until I started gaining weight in my pregnancy.

Come Labour Day I landed myself an emergency C-section and was placed under a general anaesthetic. I woke up in my ward – I was confused, I didn’t really know what had just happened, my child and partner were nowhere to be seen and I had a huge wound in my lower abdomen that I never wanted. 4 hours later and I met my son for the first time; the relief on my partners face that I was ok was heart-warming.

after op

I was bed ridden for 2 days before took those first extremely hard steps and the next 3 days were some of the hardest. I could not do anything, I couldn’t even change a nappy without shaking and my partner did everything. I even had the nurses express food from me for my partner to feed our baby. I never really did realise how much has done for me.

When we took the baby home, I was in pain in more ways than one – my wound and my heart. I felt disfigured from my unwanted surgery – even though so many other women out there have gone through the exact same – I felt like the only one, and that it had left me with an ugly body – I felt fat!

You can be big and beautiful they say, and I don’t doubt that, but there is a difference between being beautiful and feeling beautiful – I did not feel beautiful, at all!

christmas 2011

I think this lack of confidence in myself and my looks caused one of the problems I had in my relationship – when you feel ugly and disfigured, and you are with someone who you think is the most attractive man I the world, you can develop a small or large jealousy issue – depending on what type of person you are. Now I have to admit, I can get pretty jealous when it comes to Jordan, but I think it would have been at its worse the year after the C-section. Especially when we moved to his home town to live for a while, I mean what are you supposed to feel when your extremely attractive partner knows so many extremely attractive women – who mind you a lot of them stopped talking to him because they because angry at him for getting into a relationship with me.

In 2011 about 8-9 months after, I was just regaining my confidence back, losing weight a little (slowly) and coming to terms with my surgery, we found out we would be having another baby. I told my mum straight away – haha Skype’d her “guess what” and showed her the test to be exact. Everyone was excited – I was too.

One thing I thought about so much through this recent pregnancy was my weight. My stomach still looked dis-figured, I didn’t have that desirable baby bump – it looked for like a baby triangle to me. I remember a friend pointing it out, that’s when I noticed it and then of course I dwelled on it. I managed to lose 6 kgs in the pregnancy, and then slowly put it back on while baby grew.

It was a healthy pregnancy, this time afterwards; I don’t feel cheated or disfigured. I feel healthy, I may not be the happiest person, but I can accept myself most days, and I know I can change it.

37 weeks

It has been 11 days since Atlas was born and I have lost 9kgs, while I understand it is quite common to just drop around 10-12 kgs straight after. The sudden drop in weight has given me the confidence to keep going, keep losing weight. If not for me then I will do it for my family.

66 kgs

It has taken me about 3 days to actually complete this particular post. Editing things out and adding things instead. I didn’t want to delve into some things I will clear things up about one thing – My relationship with Jordan is better than ever right now.

In the time of writing this Mittens actually wrote a great post about her health – http://mittenskittens.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/yeah-i-photographed-my-lunch/

Upon finishing her post she asked the question:

What is your favourite healthy meal or snack? Or what makes you feel really great?”

My answer is a bowl of veggies. Plain ole boring veggies

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41 thoughts on “lets start at the begining

  1. Love all the great photos, thanks for sharing these! And I think you look fabulous. :) I hope you and Jordan continue to flourish and the children stay healthy.

      1. I wouldn’t say about looking mature, though. In fact, to me, you appear more glowing. You must be living a good life with your wonderful family. :)

  2. Honey you are absolutely gorgeous. Glowing and beautiful. Don’t you ever doubt that. You have two babies. You are so much like me it’s scary. I had mine 15 months apart. They are in their 20′s and in the prime of their lives. Believe me you are GORG. Do not feel ashamed of baby weight. It is so worth it. And your partner? GORG just like you darlin’. Don’t ever doubt yourself. Ever.

  3. You have the prettiest face! You are going to look young, like, forever! Thanks for sharing this post; I enjoyed reading it and wish you the best today and tomorrow[s]!

  4. I think it’s quite gutsy to write such an exploratory post about yourself. Your honesty is quite powerful. Also, you’re a cutey – you shouldn’t worry about your looks. I mean, look at Freddy Kruger – now he’s truly ugly; he doesn’t care about looks. Then again, he’s psychotic. Additionally, many women I know gain baby weight after having children, so you shouldn’t feel like the odd one out – if anything you should feel kinda important – a few of the women I have known have become incredibly jealous at women who have had a pregnancy because secretly they wanted one too. Also, congratulations on the healthy life changes. Cheers!

    1. Thank you! I think the main reason it took me a coupld days to write is because it is so hard to open up and come to terms with some of the feelings i admit to having – especially the hating my body, causing me to become overly jealous and it having contributed to some of my relationship problems at the time.
      :) Freddy Kruger – good man he he he ;D

  5. This is a beautiful post, You are a beautiful woman, and I know you aren’t feeling 100% gorgeous YET… you will! I’m also very happy for your relationship continuing to blossom, relationships change so much through the years, and life and babies and everything. Great Great Post. :)

  6. My heart breaks thinking about someone else going through such a tough time before, during, and after babies. I went through a lot of the same things as you – an enormous weight gain when I was pregnant with my first and a disfiguring pregnancy with baby number two. You look absolutely beautiful to me, all the more so for sharing something so personal and so important for other women to know. Love your blog!

  7. I just wanted to say hi and thanks for following me, because since you did I’ve been reading some of your posts and have been touched by your courage and honesty! Particularly in this post. It can’t be easy to write about these things; you’ve certainly gained a reader in me. Candice :)

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