There comes a point in everybody’s life where they have to just stop, look in the mirror and shatter the illusions of grandeur that are staring back at them. This time was about 4 weeks ago for me. When I realised I was stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, surrounded by people that seemingly cared, in a house that wasn’t progressing… and with the mentality that everything was going to be ay-okay… yeah well I really did a good job of smashing that reflection up hey.
It was Wednesday, the first Wednesday that had come since starting uni, I went to the pub with two people I had just met, I figured I would because, well I never got to do anything fun anymore. I was supposed to be locating the library, I wasn’t allowed to go to the pub with guys that I had just met… bad girlfriend bad! But all was well, we chatted about my problems at home, like strangers do, poring my heart and soul onto the pool table that stood before me. It seemed as though the issues I had revealed were being bashed around by the balls as they moved around the table.
It was that very day, with those two people that I realised I didn’t know what I was anymore… who was I? It seemed I had packed myself away with all the other memories of my past I was ‘told’ were not necessary to keep… forget the past he said over and over… so I did… and I left who I was with it.
He may be reading this, or at least someone who knows him will be reading this and will tell him… But I am not writing this for them to see, or even for him to see. I am writing this because I need to get it out there, out in the open… like you feel when you want to write your posts… regardless of content. Besides, you don’t know who ‘HE’ is anyway…
As I walked through Melbourne CBD, miserable and dwelling on the past 3 years of my life. Everything that had been said and done, every part of myself that I have given away that couldn’t be taken back. And God, do I wish I could have those pieces back… does he really deserve to keep them? Maybe. I walked past a book store… little did I know that I would spend my last $20 for the week on the one book that would change my life forever.
Now anyone who knows me, knows I read all types of books… especially ones that will broaden my knowledge on how people think, feel and why they do what they do – so in a nut shell “self help books”. If you don’t read these and think they are for losers, I suggest you stop lying to yourself right now, because sweaty, let’s face it… you are far from perfect.
The book was “the nice girl syndrome” and it changed my life. Quite literally
Now after all the fights, the accusations, the lies, the truths and every horrible insults that had been thrown at me… I realised we both weren’t happy, why would someone who was seemingly happy want to treat someone like a door mat, take their friends away, accuse them of being promiscuous based on their clothing, use guilt “if you love you will” trips to get them to stop talking to people?
He wasn’t happy… He made it clear the next night when he expressed his dissatisfaction with ‘Babysitting’ our kids while I so “selfishly’ went to uni… And I was the only person who couldn’t see how selfish I was being… even though it works for everyone else to do and study and have someone else look after their kids… except I wasn’t asking anyone else… because him being the dad… it’s not babysitting is it?
This is the part where I should be all pissed off and take mean and nasty stabs at my ex… but no… I don’t need to say more.
I ended it with Mr seemingly perfect husband material, because that was all a lie, the whole thing… fake. It was my illusion that everything was ok, I knew things weren’t and I knew they weren’t going to change… so what do you do when you know things won’t change by themselves? You do something about it. So I did.
I can honestly say, I am happier now then I have ever been and I learnt a valuable life lesson or a few actually. I would like to share them with you
1) If you are unhappy, god dam it change that shit! Happiness is the most important thing in the world, and the best part… it’s free!
2) Abuse in any form is NOT ok, even your boyfriend saying you can’t be friends with someone because of past events… that is emotional abuse, and it is NOT ok.
3) You have the right to seek higher education no matter who or what you are, whether you are a mother, carer or an Dexter like serial killer. Everybody has the right to education, and in no way are you selfish for doing so EVER!
4) You are the only one in your life that can control you, others will come and try and take that away, and make you feel bad for not letting them. They will call you names, spread rumours… shit they might even get their family to join in. It’s your life, don’t wait around for someone else to tell you how they think you should live it.
5) Don’t be afraid of telling the truth… there is nothing to be scared of. You should never be scared to tell people if you are being abused in anyway. They may not believe you, but actions speak louder than words. So pay attention!
6) And last… life is amazing. Stop right now and take a look around at what life actually is. Life is full of things we can’t explain, planets in galaxies with black holes orbiting other galaxies with planets and black holes, floating in “thin air” above us and we still don’t know how or why. But it’s beautiful, god, is it beautiful.
It’s good to be back…