What makes a person want to carry on with life, you know, without being too blasé about the whole shindig? I have been wondering this myself for quite a while to be honest. It is probably the reason i haven’t really written anything so far. In saying that, Uni is finished for the year, I am looking forward to next year, I have a part time job now, I still struggle not to make this sound like i am just highlighting the good parts of my life, but let’s be honest here… That is exactly what i am doing…
See i am a little pissed off… well a little is an understatement and this is the internet so i can essentially understate anything i would like.
I am a little pissed off with everything that is going on in my life at the moment, I am pissed off that child care cost so much, I am pissed off that I almost never get any time to myself, I am pissed off that it has taken until now to actually write something,… and all i have to really write about is being pissed off…
But you know that is ok, the whole point to a blog is not to impress anyone, but so replace the good old pen and paper hand written diary, except you are willingly letting people into your diary, because you want to, but this one is edited, because nobody really likes to hear that your life isn’t all fun and games, books and typewriters or friends and coffee.
There is fights with those friends, weeks you don’t read, typewriters that are not being used, and coffee that just taste so goddamn bad that you really, really and i mean really wish you had not have wasted the time even tasting… and sometimes you want to give it back in a swift flying motion.
So when you constantly have days where you feel like utter shit, can’t even be bothered reading your blogs, or writing… or anything… what keeps people going…
Well in short the answer could be chocolate. But who knows honestly.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”.
There comes a point in everybody’s life where they have to just stop, look in the mirror and shatter the illusions of grandeur that are staring back at them. This time was about 4 weeks ago for me. When I realised I was stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, surrounded by people that seemingly cared, in a house that wasn’t progressing… and with the mentality that everything was going to be ay-okay… yeah well I really did a good job of smashing that reflection up hey.
It was Wednesday, the first Wednesday that had come since starting uni, I went to the pub with two people I had just met, I figured I would because, well I never got to do anything fun anymore. I was supposed to be locating the library, I wasn’t allowed to go to the pub with guys that I had just met… bad girlfriend bad! But all was well, we chatted about my problems at home, like strangers do, poring my heart and soul onto the pool table that stood before me. It seemed as though the issues I had revealed were being bashed around by the balls as they moved around the table.
It was that very day, with those two people that I realised I didn’t know what I was anymore… who was I? It seemed I had packed myself away with all the other memories of my past I was ‘told’ were not necessary to keep… forget the past he said over and over… so I did… and I left who I was with it.
He may be reading this, or at least someone who knows him will be reading this and will tell him… But I am not writing this for them to see, or even for him to see. I am writing this because I need to get it out there, out in the open… like you feel when you want to write your posts… regardless of content. Besides, you don’t know who ‘HE’ is anyway…
As I walked through Melbourne CBD, miserable and dwelling on the past 3 years of my life. Everything that had been said and done, every part of myself that I have given away that couldn’t be taken back. And God, do I wish I could have those pieces back… does he really deserve to keep them? Maybe. I walked past a book store… little did I know that I would spend my last $20 for the week on the one book that would change my life forever.
Now anyone who knows me, knows I read all types of books… especially ones that will broaden my knowledge on how people think, feel and why they do what they do – so in a nut shell “self help books”. If you don’t read these and think they are for losers, I suggest you stop lying to yourself right now, because sweaty, let’s face it… you are far from perfect.
The book was “the nice girl syndrome” and it changed my life. Quite literally
Now after all the fights, the accusations, the lies, the truths and every horrible insults that had been thrown at me… I realised we both weren’t happy, why would someone who was seemingly happy want to treat someone like a door mat, take their friends away, accuse them of being promiscuous based on their clothing, use guilt “if you love you will” trips to get them to stop talking to people?
He wasn’t happy… He made it clear the next night when he expressed his dissatisfaction with ‘Babysitting’ our kids while I so “selfishly’ went to uni… And I was the only person who couldn’t see how selfish I was being… even though it works for everyone else to do and study and have someone else look after their kids… except I wasn’t asking anyone else… because him being the dad… it’s not babysitting is it?
This is the part where I should be all pissed off and take mean and nasty stabs at my ex… but no… I don’t need to say more.
I ended it with Mr seemingly perfect husband material, because that was all a lie, the whole thing… fake. It was my illusion that everything was ok, I knew things weren’t and I knew they weren’t going to change… so what do you do when you know things won’t change by themselves? You do something about it. So I did.
I can honestly say, I am happier now then I have ever been and I learnt a valuable life lesson or a few actually. I would like to share them with you
1) If you are unhappy, god dam it change that shit! Happiness is the most important thing in the world, and the best part… it’s free!
2) Abuse in any form is NOT ok, even your boyfriend saying you can’t be friends with someone because of past events… that is emotional abuse, and it is NOT ok.
3) You have the right to seek higher education no matter who or what you are, whether you are a mother, carer or an Dexter like serial killer. Everybody has the right to education, and in no way are you selfish for doing so EVER!
4) You are the only one in your life that can control you, others will come and try and take that away, and make you feel bad for not letting them. They will call you names, spread rumours… shit they might even get their family to join in. It’s your life, don’t wait around for someone else to tell you how they think you should live it.
5) Don’t be afraid of telling the truth… there is nothing to be scared of. You should never be scared to tell people if you are being abused in anyway. They may not believe you, but actions speak louder than words. So pay attention!
6) And last… life is amazing. Stop right now and take a look around at what life actually is. Life is full of things we can’t explain, planets in galaxies with black holes orbiting other galaxies with planets and black holes, floating in “thin air” above us and we still don’t know how or why. But it’s beautiful, god, is it beautiful.
It’s good to be back…
Here at RMIT, they call uni ‘Campus’ life. Which ideally makes sense, I will be spending 4 days a week on campus, everyday, for 6 months. So far I am loving it. I haven’t done any schooling in a very long time, so you could say I was really anxious before I came here. But now 4 days in and I have already made a few friends. Hopefully people I can keep in my life for a long time. That is how it works right? you meet a person, they become your friend and then you are like this unbreakable little group, a group that make crazy, wild, adventurous plans to travel the world… yeah I don’t think that will be happening any time soon… but hey one can dream right?
Anyway. So this week has been the first week of my science course. I know that I havent really been keeping my blog up to date, but I havent really had much to say really… I have literally just been going to bed at midnight, waking up at 3:30-4 am, leaving my house at 5, walking to the train station which takes an hour. Then I have to travel on a bus for 2 hours, it takes around an hour to walk to my uni… and I get to class around half an hour late… Woops. But hey that is only this week because there are no trains.
Never fear my fellow bloggers, I will keep you up to date with my ‘Campus life’
I haven’t forgotten my blog… Yet
What have I been up to? Well a lot actually…
I haven’t posted in a while because, well to be honest I haven’t really had a clue what to write or how to write what I have thought of, so I have just really ignored my blog, pushed in back in the closet and told it that we were playing hide and seek… Yep, that’s right, she found me :l I must admit I am a pretty good hide and go seeker.
Anyway, so in a nut shell, my blog turned 1 at the start of June… I maybe should have made a bigger deal out of this, but instead I was just happy with myself. I reached my goal of 61kgs. I start uni on Monday. I have been reading a lot, and cleaning, saving money. My mum visited from SA and My son turned 2
So lets start with the anniversary. Usually I would post links to my old successful posts and such in this kind of event, but I really can’t do that right now, due to a mixture of laziness and fail technology. So I will just say thank you all for reading over the past year and please feel free too look through them all.
My weight loss has been difficult, but that’s a given considering 2 c-sections, but not impossible :p
Starting uni on Monday will be fun, I have orientation and biology. 3 days a week I will have to wake up at 4am, leave my house at 5am to walk 45mins to be on a train by 6 am to travel almost 2 hours to start at 8:30am. Monday’s thankfully I don’t start chemistry until 11:30am
My son turning 2 was fun, it was a bit hectic and he still have some presents to open.
I am not sure if you want to hear about ny constant cleaning, but all I can say is I hate it when I have a break from cleaning and the house gets messy again
How are you all?
There is this kids show my eldest watches. Its singing potatoes… Yes singing potatoes, how bizarre right? I guess maybe the creators thought singing potatoes would make kids want to eat their veggies… Or just play with potatoes, ahh the perfect birthday present “Happy birthday, its a potato because I know how much you like those singing ones on TV.”
I have always wanted to write a post that was so beautifully written that who ever was reading could just feel physically what I had written about.
“Dem feels man, dem feels.”
I’ve never known exactly what to write that could do this. I’ve read books on how to, I’ve tried to and I’ve read posts so beautiful that I wish I knew the person who wrote it.
But what have I personally learnt in my time of reading all about how to write different things? A few things actually… Certainly not how to write the most amazing novel in my life… See it doesn’t work that way… Not for me anyway.
An amazing blog post, or an amazing story, can be written beautifully, unintentionally, and sometimes it has been planned for a long time, worked on for months in drafts and written over and over to incorporate every big beautiful word you could find at least once in the post.
“You reading this are a writer, your smile has a story and your mind wants to tell it” – Me, original post My addiction to writing in my head
That post in particular, yes it is one of my best, and it is also supposed to be a beautiful post. I guess it is but its up to the reader to decide that. Something that is beautiful to me, isnt always beautiful to others and something that is ugly to me, isn’t always ugly to others.
So I think over all, no matter how many different things you read about getting in touch with your sensitive side or how to connect to a particular audience. It might be the person you least expect, to come along and show you that you can just write a beautiful post.
You don’t even need to read all the books on how to do it.
You kind of just have to write it and see what happens.
Writing is an art, an art where words come together in such a way that it tells a story
What ever story you desire.
As a writer you have the ability and tools to create art every single day.
With or without structure and boundaries, with or without colour, or understanding and confusion.
You have the ability to personally effect someone, somewhere in the world, with one liners and characters, with adventure and turmoil and with the perfect happy ending or the perfect suicide.
“I like art because art is beautiful” little singing potato on my tv.
So, I’ve been banging my head for ages trying to figure out why the only social interaction (reaction) I get from my younger sibling is negative.
I talked to my mother about this and my partner, but its no use, I have to tell you all as well…
I live in another state, I moved interstate to be closer to Melbourne, so I could study and become a neuroscientist. That was my choice, and its the only way I can do this.
But it comes at a price, I lost pretty much all contact with most my family… Well besides my mum, she talks to me regularly. I guess I just assumed she told everyone else what I was up to, but she just assumed they actually read my facebook or spoke to me.
Not many people read these sorts of posts, but its like I have no one else to talk too… Well that’s wrong, you all read and listen… And that’s just it, someone to listen is all I need… A solution, well we have all tried and failed. It seems hopeless… Maybe it is.
Its stressful living interstate, trying to study, trying to keep in contact with family, when only one member contacts you all the time. Its stressful waiting for a “hey, how are you?” That I know will never come. Its stressful trying to explain to someone that I miss them and having to put up with being ignored or insulted as a result… Because its amusing.
And its stressful that I rely on my page on data to try and find some normality and clarity….
It just is stressful…
From the very first Facebook hate rant to the very first comment on my blog, its no secret I have come along way from there. With every award I received from my fellow bloggers my confidence grew more and more.
To a lot of people, this may not mean much at all, but it means a lot to me. Its almost a year blogging on WordPress for me, and since I started, I’ve formed many new and real friendships with my readers and followers. I may only have a little over 1000, which is a small but decent amount considering I am not a famous author, but it is a huge number to me.
When I decided to get back into writing, I didn’t expect it to last this long, or to have as many followers and readers as I do have. I didn’t expect anyone to like my blog at all.
WordPress has given me the chance to put myself out there, to put my writing on the line and open for criticism (thankfully I’ve never had any bad criticism.) The chance to regain my confidence and the chance to help others regain there’s back too.
I’ve had the honor of being included in thousands of people’s lives thanks to WordPress. I’ve been able to share mine with so many people as well.
I want to sincerely thank the people behind WordPress. And I want to congratulate all you wonderful bloggers out there.
Helping people, one blog post at a time.
Something that I have been long over due is updating you all with my weight loss. So I have lost 2 dress Sizes since I last posted. Because of normal/abnormal bodily functions after having a baby, my hips are still apart and it will be a while before they go back to normal. So I border on a size 10. But I am still just a size 12. So I like to say I am size 11 which is great because last year I was. Size 16!
3-4 months ago, this is what I looked like, my legs fatty and wobbling, pot belly and a massive overhand of skin. Since then the number on the scale hasn’t changed much from then but I’ve lost fat and gained muscle. For the first time in my life I have discovered muscles in my legs I never knew where there before, and I am beginning to see the start of my abs. Although my uterus is still swollen, I can feel and see results. It’s now that waiting game.
I no longer had this massive overhang and my legs are less fatty more muscly.
This is me today. I look great and I feel great. I will never go back to the old me!!