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A cure for insomnia


I hate being alone, it makes me feel so bitter inside. With only music, writing, cigarettes and tea to keep me company, my heart grows rather fond of sharp objects that can cut the skin deep enough the bleed the life out of me. As tempting as it is, that is simply not an option, I must go on. But for what? To be left here by myself all the time. This is not what I signed up for when I entered this world. I want to travel. Experience life, not be surrounded by these dreadful four walls that the land lord cant even muster the sheer energy to hire a painter to paint the bloody things. Its a little dramatic I know, but I simply cannot sleep and writing like this seems to be my only remedy for this lonely night. 

 

I have to move on from this city, free myself from the tight knot at the end of the rope that is holding me here, I just need to get out of here. It is driving me insane knowing what I know about some people here. 

 

This city is a bit bi-polar to me at the moment. Its great at times, but when it forgets to take its medication all hell breaks loose for no reason at all. Like seriously chill for a bit, its not that hard to not take everything so seriously is it? Oh but it is, see you don’t realise it yet but the severity of the situation is much less then intended by you, but you make it worse in your head. 

 

Every time I write like this, it seems to me as if I am either trying to send myself a message or maybe the people that stalk me. Who for some strange reason, what ever it may be, have this weird obsession with what I am doing. I don’t understand it because they aren’t my friends, they aren’t even family. They are just small blips on behind a screen, really, they are not important to me in the slightest and I could not care less what they think about what I am writing. Yet tonight I care, tonight I find myself stewing on the mere thought of them giving the slightest bit of attention to my blog, just to give themselves a reason to hate their life even more, slightly sick. It sickens me that one can become so obsessed with another without even so much as having a normal conversation to get to know who they actually are instead of listening to crap, that it becomes ridiculous and really messes with me… 

 

Ugh it is going to be a long night. 

 

Thank you insomnia, once again you have proven yourself worthy of the words that have made their way on to my blog tonight, in a very morbidly sick and twisted way. 

last night


Last night, you sounded so happy, I only wish I could be as happy as you my love.

 

Last week you looked so beautiful, I only wish my skin could glow like yours my love

 

Last month, was when I first met you, I only wish you felt what I felt then my love.

 

Last night, you were so happy, I only wish you asked me how I really feel my love.

 

Last night, I was hurting, and tonight I hurt even more my love.

 

Last night, I wanted to end it all, but then I thought of you my love.

 

Last night, I thought how selfish could I be, to think like that when everyday I hear “mummy.”

 

Last month, I lost a friend this way, and now I hear “how could it be.”

 

This is the human condition my love, we give our all until we break

 

We run a race, and hope not to fail

 

Lives are lost but love still remains.

 

Last night, you sounded so happy, so why did you not ask me if I was my love?

2 years


Faces down at screens, ear phones in ears, what was once a chattering commuting vehicle now seems to be a dry zone for normal human communication. It is very interesting to me.

I remember when I was younger, first year in high school, the bus to school was always buzzing with conversation, now, 9 years on since my first year catching a bus, public transport is so quiet. I will never get used to this. I miss the background noise of human interaction, like you would find as you walk down the street in a big city like Melbourne. But even that has changed to be honest, the cities are quieter also, because the same commuters fill the streets causing a small amount of dissatisfaction among us, by us I mean the people who enjoy seeing human to human interaction, not human to screen. But how ironic that I express this to a screen, as I write these words they don’t find themselves down on paper, they end with this computer screen… I wonder if the words feel a sense of longing to be spoken out a loud to someone.

But they will be read…

Have you ever asked someone if they read? Was the answer no? I found it funny when I asked someone that, it had seemed like I had asked them a stupid question, because they were staring at their phone, Facebook I am assuming because all my friends use that, haha, wow, I just realised my word recognised Facebook as a correct word, but ‘haha’ has that annoying red squiggly you have made a mistake line.

So basically, this is the first post in a while I have posted, I would love to say it’s because I have been busy, but it’s really because I have been lazy with my writing. I have been lazy because all the things I thought I could possibly write about, I have no words to describe. For example my weird obsession with watching how people interact…

 Should I become a behavioural scientist instead?

I have a feeling that maybe I need to be a lot less paranoid about the subjects I wish to write about. Something great may come out of it. Who knows.

Don’t worry my dear


Light another cigarette my dear

Smoke it and watch the city around you crumble

Never fear

Its just your mind

That subconscious of yours is playing tricks on you again

In your dreams

That tickling sensation

That itching feeling that you don’t want to be there

Do you feel it?

Well… Do you?

Don’t worry my darling

Just light another cigarette

Smoke it

And watch the city crumble around you

Will you marry me Melbourne


I love Melbourne, and visiting Perth made me realise that, I love my noisy jam pack city. I couldn’t live anywhere else if I tried. Perth is nice, but I was so busy between the shisha smoking and getting proposed to by a stranger, I didn’t really take many photos

Yes, a stranger proposed to me… Everytime this happens to me I feel slightly creeped out, I mean its lovely that he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone he just met, and its every girls dream to get married. But not to a stranger and not over the other side of the country… So in that I say again, I love Melbourne, Melbourne is my loyal husband for now.

Yesterday I was walking down the street in Melbourne, I had just purchased a new scarf, black, my favorite, when this adorable huge hunk of a man noticed me. He smiled and I smiled back, he stood by the coffee shop and I kept walking.

“Salam alaikum” I hear as I turned around in shock, Mr hunk had ran up to stop me and he asked me to coffee then and on the spot. I agreed, its much more my style then a marriage proposal.
So we talked for an hour, got along really well.
He is Persian, I am Australian, he is Muslim, I am in exploration of Islam and its peaceful teachings.

That’s a tough subject – Islam. But don’t let the media discourage you from learning about it. Its peaceful and while not every Muslim is perfect, there are terrorists in every religion. The government just wants the oil in the Islamic countrys so they will try make you hate whatever they wish to try and get it. But see that’s the thing about hate, its only temporary in the grand scheme of things, eventually everyone goes searching for answers themselves.

I have become very fond of Islam to be honest. If you have the time, visit a mosque and speak to some brothers or sisters, listen to the reading of the qur’an in Arabic (its never once been changed in 1400 years) listen to the call to prayer, watch them pray. Just learn from the true form of it, not by the media.

Its so beautiful

Just like Melbourne, yes I do love Melbourne, it changed my life.
I start my bachelor of science at RMIT in march.
So for now I will doing science studying to the max.

Enjoy :)

Remember me.


When going on a break from writing, one must remember one thing… Don’t forget the blog.

So with keeping that in mind, I have not forgotten you sweet blog of mine, I have just been on a journey of self discovery and mental rehabilitation due to everything that has happened in the past 6 months. So I come baring a gift, a post for you to be specific. A post about what I have learnt and achieved over the past 5-6 months.

That post Will be up soon, keep an eye on this space.

And with that im going to Perth, western Australia :)

well that is a little of an understatement


What makes a person want to carry on with life, you know, without being too blasé about the whole shindig? I have been wondering this myself for quite a while to be honest. It is probably the reason i haven’t really written anything so far. In saying that, Uni is finished for the year, I am looking forward to next year, I have a part time job now, I still struggle not to make this sound like i am just highlighting the good parts of my life, but let’s be honest here… That is exactly what i am doing…

For now.

See i am a little pissed off… well a little is an understatement and this is the internet so i can essentially understate anything i would like.

Anyway…

I am a little pissed off with everything that is going on in my life at the moment, I am pissed off that child care cost so much, I am pissed off that I almost never get any time to myself, I am pissed off that it has taken until now to actually write something,… and all i have to really write about is being pissed off…

But you know that is ok, the whole point to a blog is not to impress anyone, but so replace the good old pen and paper hand written diary, except you are willingly letting people into your diary, because you want to, but this one is edited, because nobody really likes to hear that your life isn’t all fun and games, books and typewriters or friends and coffee.

There is fights with those friends, weeks you don’t read, typewriters that are not being used, and coffee that just taste so goddamn bad that you really, really and i mean really wish you had not have wasted the time even tasting… and sometimes you want to give it back in a swift flying motion.

So when you constantly have days where you feel like utter shit, can’t even be bothered reading your blogs, or writing… or anything… what keeps people going…

 Well in short the answer could be chocolate. But who knows honestly.

Max Ehrmann “Desiderata”


Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”.[1]

Life


There comes a point in everybody’s life where they have to just stop, look in the mirror and shatter the illusions of grandeur that are staring back at them. This time was about 4 weeks ago for me. When I realised I was stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, surrounded by people that seemingly cared, in a house that wasn’t progressing… and with the mentality that everything was going to be ay-okay… yeah well I really did a good job of smashing that reflection up hey.

It was Wednesday, the first Wednesday that had come since starting uni, I went to the pub with two people I had just met, I figured I would because, well I never got to do anything fun anymore. I was supposed to be locating the library, I wasn’t allowed to go to the pub with guys that I had just met… bad girlfriend bad! But all was well, we chatted about my problems at home, like strangers do, poring my heart and soul onto the pool table that stood before me. It seemed as though the issues I had revealed were being bashed around by the balls as they moved around the table.

It was that very day, with those two people that I realised I didn’t know what I was anymore… who was I? It seemed I had packed myself away with all the other memories of my past I was ‘told’ were not necessary to keep… forget the past he said over and over… so I did… and I left who I was with it.

He may be reading this, or at least someone who knows him will be reading this and will tell him… But I am not writing this for them to see, or even for him to see. I am writing this because I need to get it out there, out in the open… like you feel when you want to write your posts… regardless of content. Besides, you don’t know who ‘HE’ is anyway…

As I walked through Melbourne CBD, miserable and dwelling on the past 3 years of my life. Everything that had been said and done, every part of myself that I have given away that couldn’t be taken back. And God, do I wish I could have those pieces back… does he really deserve to keep them? Maybe. I walked past a book store… little did I know that I would spend my last $20 for the week on the one book that would change my life forever.

Now anyone who knows me, knows I read all types of books… especially ones that will broaden my knowledge on how people think, feel and why they do what they do – so in a nut shell “self help books”. If you don’t read these and think they are for losers, I suggest you stop lying to yourself right now, because sweaty, let’s face it… you are far from perfect.

The book was “the nice girl syndrome” and it changed my life. Quite literally

Now after all the fights, the accusations, the lies, the truths and every horrible insults that had been thrown at me… I realised we both weren’t happy, why would someone who was seemingly happy want to treat someone like a door mat, take their friends away, accuse them of being promiscuous based on their clothing, use guilt “if you love you will” trips to get them to stop talking to people?

He wasn’t happy… He made it clear the next night when he expressed his dissatisfaction with ‘Babysitting’ our kids while I so “selfishly’ went to uni… And I was the only person who couldn’t see how selfish I was being… even though it works for everyone else to do and study and have someone else look after their kids… except I wasn’t asking anyone else… because him being the dad… it’s not babysitting is it?

This is the part where I should be all pissed off and take mean and nasty stabs at my ex… but no… I don’t need to say more.

I ended it with Mr seemingly perfect husband material, because that was all a lie, the whole thing… fake. It was my illusion that everything was ok, I knew things weren’t and I knew they weren’t going to change… so what do you do when you know things won’t change by themselves? You do something about it. So I did.

I can honestly say, I am happier now then I have ever been and I learnt a valuable life lesson or a few actually. I would like to share them with you

1)      If you are unhappy, god dam it change that shit! Happiness is the most important thing in the world, and the best part… it’s free!

2)      Abuse in any form is NOT ok, even your boyfriend saying you can’t be friends with someone because of past events… that is emotional abuse, and it is NOT ok.

3)      You have the right to seek higher education no matter who or what you are, whether you are a mother, carer or an Dexter like serial killer. Everybody has the right to education, and in no way are you selfish for doing so EVER!

4)      You are the only one in your life that can control you, others will come and try and take that away, and make you feel bad for not letting them. They will call you names, spread rumours… shit they might even get their family to join in. It’s your life, don’t wait around for someone else to tell you how they think you should live it.

5)      Don’t be afraid of telling the truth… there is nothing to be scared of. You should never be scared to tell people if you are being abused in anyway. They may not believe you, but actions speak louder than words. So pay attention!

6)      And last… life is amazing. Stop right now and take a look around at what life actually is. Life is full of things we can’t explain, planets in galaxies with black holes orbiting other galaxies with planets and black holes, floating in “thin air” above us and we still don’t know how or why. But it’s beautiful, god, is it beautiful.

It’s good to be back…

Campus life


Here at RMIT, they call uni ‘Campus’ life. Which ideally makes sense, I will be spending 4 days a week on campus, everyday, for 6 months. So far I am loving it. I haven’t done any schooling in a very long time, so you could say I was really anxious before I came here. But now 4 days in and I have already made a few friends. Hopefully people I can keep in my life for a long time. That is how it works right? you meet a person, they become your friend and then you are like this unbreakable little group, a group that make crazy, wild, adventurous plans to travel the world… yeah I don’t think that will be happening any time soon… but hey one can dream right?

Anyway. So this week has been the first week of my science course. I know that I havent really been keeping my blog up to date, but I havent really had much to say really… I have literally just been going to bed at midnight, waking up at 3:30-4 am, leaving my house at 5, walking to the train station which takes an hour. Then I have to travel on a bus for 2 hours, it takes around an hour to walk to my uni… and I get to class around half an hour late… Woops. But hey that is only this week because there are no trains.

Never fear my fellow bloggers, I will keep you up to date with my ‘Campus life’

Happy blogging :P