Don’t worry my dear


Light another cigarette my dear

Smoke it and watch the city around you crumble

Never fear

Its just your mind

That subconscious of yours is playing tricks on you again

In your dreams

That tickling sensation

That itching feeling that you don’t want to be there

Do you feel it?

Well… Do you?

Don’t worry my darling

Just light another cigarette

Smoke it

And watch the city crumble around you

Will you marry me Melbourne


I love Melbourne, and visiting Perth made me realise that, I love my noisy jam pack city. I couldn’t live anywhere else if I tried. Perth is nice, but I was so busy between the shisha smoking and getting proposed to by a stranger, I didn’t really take many photos

Yes, a stranger proposed to me… Everytime this happens to me I feel slightly creeped out, I mean its lovely that he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone he just met, and its every girls dream to get married. But not to a stranger and not over the other side of the country… So in that I say again, I love Melbourne, Melbourne is my loyal husband for now.

Yesterday I was walking down the street in Melbourne, I had just purchased a new scarf, black, my favorite, when this adorable huge hunk of a man noticed me. He smiled and I smiled back, he stood by the coffee shop and I kept walking.

“Salam alaikum” I hear as I turned around in shock, Mr hunk had ran up to stop me and he asked me to coffee then and on the spot. I agreed, its much more my style then a marriage proposal.
So we talked for an hour, got along really well.
He is Persian, I am Australian, he is Muslim, I am in exploration of Islam and its peaceful teachings.

That’s a tough subject – Islam. But don’t let the media discourage you from learning about it. Its peaceful and while not every Muslim is perfect, there are terrorists in every religion. The government just wants the oil in the Islamic countrys so they will try make you hate whatever they wish to try and get it. But see that’s the thing about hate, its only temporary in the grand scheme of things, eventually everyone goes searching for answers themselves.

I have become very fond of Islam to be honest. If you have the time, visit a mosque and speak to some brothers or sisters, listen to the reading of the qur’an in Arabic (its never once been changed in 1400 years) listen to the call to prayer, watch them pray. Just learn from the true form of it, not by the media.

Its so beautiful

Just like Melbourne, yes I do love Melbourne, it changed my life.
I start my bachelor of science at RMIT in march.
So for now I will doing science studying to the max.

Enjoy :)

Remember me.


When going on a break from writing, one must remember one thing… Don’t forget the blog.

So with keeping that in mind, I have not forgotten you sweet blog of mine, I have just been on a journey of self discovery and mental rehabilitation due to everything that has happened in the past 6 months. So I come baring a gift, a post for you to be specific. A post about what I have learnt and achieved over the past 5-6 months.

That post Will be up soon, keep an eye on this space.

And with that im going to Perth, western Australia :)

well that is a little of an understatement


What makes a person want to carry on with life, you know, without being too blasé about the whole shindig? I have been wondering this myself for quite a while to be honest. It is probably the reason i haven’t really written anything so far. In saying that, Uni is finished for the year, I am looking forward to next year, I have a part time job now, I still struggle not to make this sound like i am just highlighting the good parts of my life, but let’s be honest here… That is exactly what i am doing…

For now.

See i am a little pissed off… well a little is an understatement and this is the internet so i can essentially understate anything i would like.

Anyway…

I am a little pissed off with everything that is going on in my life at the moment, I am pissed off that child care cost so much, I am pissed off that I almost never get any time to myself, I am pissed off that it has taken until now to actually write something,… and all i have to really write about is being pissed off…

But you know that is ok, the whole point to a blog is not to impress anyone, but so replace the good old pen and paper hand written diary, except you are willingly letting people into your diary, because you want to, but this one is edited, because nobody really likes to hear that your life isn’t all fun and games, books and typewriters or friends and coffee.

There is fights with those friends, weeks you don’t read, typewriters that are not being used, and coffee that just taste so goddamn bad that you really, really and i mean really wish you had not have wasted the time even tasting… and sometimes you want to give it back in a swift flying motion.

So when you constantly have days where you feel like utter shit, can’t even be bothered reading your blogs, or writing… or anything… what keeps people going…

 Well in short the answer could be chocolate. But who knows honestly.

Max Ehrmann “Desiderata”


Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”.[1]

Life


There comes a point in everybody’s life where they have to just stop, look in the mirror and shatter the illusions of grandeur that are staring back at them. This time was about 4 weeks ago for me. When I realised I was stuck in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, surrounded by people that seemingly cared, in a house that wasn’t progressing… and with the mentality that everything was going to be ay-okay… yeah well I really did a good job of smashing that reflection up hey.

It was Wednesday, the first Wednesday that had come since starting uni, I went to the pub with two people I had just met, I figured I would because, well I never got to do anything fun anymore. I was supposed to be locating the library, I wasn’t allowed to go to the pub with guys that I had just met… bad girlfriend bad! But all was well, we chatted about my problems at home, like strangers do, poring my heart and soul onto the pool table that stood before me. It seemed as though the issues I had revealed were being bashed around by the balls as they moved around the table.

It was that very day, with those two people that I realised I didn’t know what I was anymore… who was I? It seemed I had packed myself away with all the other memories of my past I was ‘told’ were not necessary to keep… forget the past he said over and over… so I did… and I left who I was with it.

He may be reading this, or at least someone who knows him will be reading this and will tell him… But I am not writing this for them to see, or even for him to see. I am writing this because I need to get it out there, out in the open… like you feel when you want to write your posts… regardless of content. Besides, you don’t know who ‘HE’ is anyway…

As I walked through Melbourne CBD, miserable and dwelling on the past 3 years of my life. Everything that had been said and done, every part of myself that I have given away that couldn’t be taken back. And God, do I wish I could have those pieces back… does he really deserve to keep them? Maybe. I walked past a book store… little did I know that I would spend my last $20 for the week on the one book that would change my life forever.

Now anyone who knows me, knows I read all types of books… especially ones that will broaden my knowledge on how people think, feel and why they do what they do – so in a nut shell “self help books”. If you don’t read these and think they are for losers, I suggest you stop lying to yourself right now, because sweaty, let’s face it… you are far from perfect.

The book was “the nice girl syndrome” and it changed my life. Quite literally

Now after all the fights, the accusations, the lies, the truths and every horrible insults that had been thrown at me… I realised we both weren’t happy, why would someone who was seemingly happy want to treat someone like a door mat, take their friends away, accuse them of being promiscuous based on their clothing, use guilt “if you love you will” trips to get them to stop talking to people?

He wasn’t happy… He made it clear the next night when he expressed his dissatisfaction with ‘Babysitting’ our kids while I so “selfishly’ went to uni… And I was the only person who couldn’t see how selfish I was being… even though it works for everyone else to do and study and have someone else look after their kids… except I wasn’t asking anyone else… because him being the dad… it’s not babysitting is it?

This is the part where I should be all pissed off and take mean and nasty stabs at my ex… but no… I don’t need to say more.

I ended it with Mr seemingly perfect husband material, because that was all a lie, the whole thing… fake. It was my illusion that everything was ok, I knew things weren’t and I knew they weren’t going to change… so what do you do when you know things won’t change by themselves? You do something about it. So I did.

I can honestly say, I am happier now then I have ever been and I learnt a valuable life lesson or a few actually. I would like to share them with you

1)      If you are unhappy, god dam it change that shit! Happiness is the most important thing in the world, and the best part… it’s free!

2)      Abuse in any form is NOT ok, even your boyfriend saying you can’t be friends with someone because of past events… that is emotional abuse, and it is NOT ok.

3)      You have the right to seek higher education no matter who or what you are, whether you are a mother, carer or an Dexter like serial killer. Everybody has the right to education, and in no way are you selfish for doing so EVER!

4)      You are the only one in your life that can control you, others will come and try and take that away, and make you feel bad for not letting them. They will call you names, spread rumours… shit they might even get their family to join in. It’s your life, don’t wait around for someone else to tell you how they think you should live it.

5)      Don’t be afraid of telling the truth… there is nothing to be scared of. You should never be scared to tell people if you are being abused in anyway. They may not believe you, but actions speak louder than words. So pay attention!

6)      And last… life is amazing. Stop right now and take a look around at what life actually is. Life is full of things we can’t explain, planets in galaxies with black holes orbiting other galaxies with planets and black holes, floating in “thin air” above us and we still don’t know how or why. But it’s beautiful, god, is it beautiful.

It’s good to be back…

Campus life


Here at RMIT, they call uni ‘Campus’ life. Which ideally makes sense, I will be spending 4 days a week on campus, everyday, for 6 months. So far I am loving it. I haven’t done any schooling in a very long time, so you could say I was really anxious before I came here. But now 4 days in and I have already made a few friends. Hopefully people I can keep in my life for a long time. That is how it works right? you meet a person, they become your friend and then you are like this unbreakable little group, a group that make crazy, wild, adventurous plans to travel the world… yeah I don’t think that will be happening any time soon… but hey one can dream right?

Anyway. So this week has been the first week of my science course. I know that I havent really been keeping my blog up to date, but I havent really had much to say really… I have literally just been going to bed at midnight, waking up at 3:30-4 am, leaving my house at 5, walking to the train station which takes an hour. Then I have to travel on a bus for 2 hours, it takes around an hour to walk to my uni… and I get to class around half an hour late… Woops. But hey that is only this week because there are no trains.

Never fear my fellow bloggers, I will keep you up to date with my ‘Campus life’

Happy blogging :P

Backlog


I haven’t forgotten my blog… Yet ;)

What have I been up to? Well a lot actually…

I haven’t posted in a while because, well to be honest I haven’t really had a clue what to write or how to write what I have thought of, so I have just really ignored my blog, pushed in back in the closet and told it that we were playing hide and seek… Yep, that’s right, she found me :l I must admit I am a pretty good hide and go seeker.

Anyway, so in a nut shell, my blog turned 1 at the start of June… I maybe should have made a bigger deal out of this, but instead I was just happy with myself. I reached my goal of 61kgs. I start uni on Monday. I have been reading a lot, and cleaning, saving money. My mum visited from SA and My son turned 2 :)

So lets start with the anniversary. Usually I would post links to my old successful posts and such in this kind of event, but I really can’t do that right now, due to a mixture of laziness and fail technology. So I will just say thank you all for reading over the past year and please feel free too look through them all.

My weight loss has been difficult, but that’s a given considering 2 c-sections, but not impossible :p

image

Starting uni on Monday will be fun, I have orientation and biology. 3 days a week I will have to wake up at 4am, leave my house at 5am to walk 45mins to be on a train by 6 am to travel almost 2 hours to start at 8:30am. Monday’s thankfully I don’t start chemistry until 11:30am :)

My son turning 2 was fun, it was a bit hectic and he still have some presents to open.

I am not sure if you want to hear about ny constant cleaning, but all I can say is I hate it when I have a break from cleaning and the house gets messy again :)

How are you all?

Beautifully said…


There is this kids show my eldest watches. Its singing potatoes… Yes singing potatoes, how bizarre right? I guess maybe the creators thought singing potatoes would make kids want to eat their veggies… Or just play with potatoes, ahh the perfect birthday present “Happy birthday, its a potato because I know how much you like those singing ones on TV.”

image

I have always wanted to write a post that was so beautifully written that who ever was reading could just feel physically what I had written about.

“Dem feels man, dem feels.”

I’ve never known exactly what to write that could do this. I’ve read books on how to, I’ve tried to and I’ve read posts so beautiful that I wish I knew the person who wrote it.

But what have I personally learnt in my time of reading all about how to write different things? A few things actually… Certainly not how to write the most amazing novel in my life… See it doesn’t work that way… Not for me anyway.

An amazing blog post, or an amazing story, can be written beautifully, unintentionally, and sometimes it has been planned for a long time, worked on for months in drafts and written over and over to incorporate every big beautiful word you could find at least once in the post.

“You reading this are a writer, your smile has a story and your mind wants to tell it” – Me, original post My addiction to writing in my head

That post in particular, yes it is one of my best, and it is also supposed to be a beautiful post. I guess it is but its up to the reader to decide that. Something that is beautiful to me, isnt always beautiful to others and something that is ugly to me, isn’t always ugly to others.

So I think over all, no matter how many different things you read about getting in touch with your sensitive side or how to connect to a particular audience. It might be the person you least expect, to come along and show you that you can just write a beautiful post.

You don’t even need to read all the books on how to do it.
You kind of just have to write it and see what happens.

Writing is an art, an art where words come together in such a way that it tells a story

What ever story you desire.

As a writer you have the ability and tools to create art every single day.
With or without structure and boundaries, with or without colour, or understanding and confusion.
You have the ability to personally effect someone, somewhere in the world, with one liners and characters, with adventure and turmoil and with the perfect happy ending or the perfect suicide.

“I like art because art is beautiful” little singing potato on my tv.

Social reaction


So, I’ve been banging my head for ages trying to figure out why the only social interaction (reaction) I get from my younger sibling is negative.

I talked to my mother about this and my partner, but its no use, I have to tell you all as well…

I live in another state, I moved interstate to be closer to Melbourne, so I could study and become a neuroscientist. That was my choice, and its the only way I can do this.

But it comes at a price, I lost pretty much all contact with most my family… Well besides my mum, she talks to me regularly. I guess I just assumed she told everyone else what I was up to, but she just assumed they actually read my facebook or spoke to me.

Not many people read these sorts of posts, but its like I have no one else to talk too… Well that’s wrong, you all read and listen… And that’s just it, someone to listen is all I need… A solution, well we have all tried and failed. It seems hopeless… Maybe it is.

Its stressful living interstate, trying to study, trying to keep in contact with family, when only one member contacts you all the time. Its stressful waiting for a “hey, how are you?” That I know will never come. Its stressful trying to explain to someone that I miss them and having to put up with being ignored or insulted as a result… Because its amusing.

And its stressful that I rely on my page on data to try and find some normality and clarity….

It just is stressful…